WrestleSlam II: WrestleVania- March 12th, 2016
Pre-show Announcements: This event is FREE] It's been a full year since the last WRESTLESLAM, and Spring again rears its antlered head. The green, fecund hammer of March crushes the last vestiges of the cold February. The scent of budding flowers floats heavy in the air. Dogs are everywhere, and they're all pretty happy. Yet, in the midst of the season's joyful meadow, one gothic edifice stands - darkened and ominous. One building defies the jubilant vernal radiance... CASTLE HELLSPORT! It's definitely a castle, and it's definitely haunted! You wanted to party in a castle? No? Too bad! It's time for THE RITES, and time for THE FIGHTS! Drink the Wine of the Fauns (delicious 4th Tap craft beers) and celebrate the diurnal cycle of life and death. Witness ancient ritual as the finest PARTY ATHLETES in Austin vie for RASSLIN' SUPREMACY! Brace yourself for an onslaught of wretched skull-flowers and spikey vines. Poise and prime to enter the castle... CASTLE HELLSPORT! Uh oh, this castle's full of Draculas! Party World Rasslin' promises more Draculas, more goblins, and more living shadows than any other party in Austin. That's the PWR Difference. We recommend you wear a cape. Devastating Party Battles rage, brain-crushing liquid drinks flow freely, and eternal party mayhem await you in an ACTUAL CASTLE. 4th Tap Brewery has been submerged in the catacombs of a haunted stronghold, a river of molten green running 'neath it! R-A-S-S-L-I-N THAT'S RASSLIN'! The horns and strings of the SLAMPHONY OF THE NIGHT all scream in celebration! The ultimate, dangerous gong rings out endlessly to announce a thrilling Rasslin' card. Behold, the evening's rituals: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman vs. DadBod **************************************** You want a wrestling match? How about this. A man who is turning into a bird is going to fight someone's dad. Actually, both competitors are dads. And if Dadbod's T-shirt is to be believed, he's got a motorcycle! It's Dad vs. Dad in the squared circle! Bench Horse vs. Supreme **************************************** Bench Horse! The Horse who can Bench Press! Bench Horse! He's back, and his lust for blood won't be de-NEIGHED! Can Hundo Supreme harness the power of $100 and stand toe-to-hoof with this giant horse-man? One word: GUTS {World Partyweight Championship Match!} Dan "The Man" Ziglar vs. Theodosia **************************************** Let's get one thing straight. The Ancient Guardian Theodosia is a woman from colonial times who was frozen in a block of ice. Recently, she unfroze and challenged our current PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPION to a match. She understands very little about the modern world, but she sure knows her wrestling! Dan “the Man” Ziggler is a corporate-sponsored superstar who has never been frozen. But only one competitor can walk away with the belt—the other will be put ON ICE! Metaphorically! The Intergalactic Express vs. The Charlie Frown Gang **************************************** TAG TEAM ACTION! The Intergalactic Express have traveled thundos of lightyears to compete in honorable competition. BUT THEY WON'T FIND THAT IN PWR! The COPYRIGHT-DESTROYING daemons known as the Charlie Frown Gang prepare to usher them, and the entire nation, into FROWNSVILLE! The Primo Family vs. The Dumpster Babes **************************************** ANOTHER TAG TEAM MATCH-UP! This furious battle will decide the fate of PWR's newest prize—Best Friends Forever Tag Team Championship Belt(s)! The owner of these belts shall be recognized by all Rasslin' Authority as the best friends in town! The renowned Italian pizza chef, Luigi Primo, stands side-by-side with the man he created out of pasta: Pastaman! Meanwhile, Babyface and Pinkeye, the filthy monsters from the dumpster, want to ruin all pizzas and soak all pasta in foul excretion! Why can't it be the 12th already?! PLUS MORE: Hot Dog on Trial **************************************** Our current Garbageweight Champion, the crust punk known as HOT DOG, will face the DUBIOUS LEGAL POWER and DEFINITE PHYSICAL POWER of Railroad Officer Bull DeCroix! The courtroom is the ring, this time. Meet Chad Blitz! Contest **************************************** Which lucky Multiverse-denizen will win the chance to hang with Celebrity Chad Blitz?! He's the same old guy, not at all twisted and corrupted into a mockery of his former self by Hellsport! Live Taping with Chubby Uncle Juan and Puggin Head **************************************** The last time we tried to film a commercial with the beloved Children's TV Host, it devolved into puppet carnage. We're going to create the exact same conditions and hope that doesn't happen again! The Return of The Sonic Gentleman **************************************** He's back - and FASTER than ever! He VAPORIZES all other competitors with the most GENTLEMANLY FANFICTION and THOUGHT-PROVOKING debate! Dongler's Cup **************************************** Who will drink from Dongler's Cup? It could be YOU! Or...me?! Answers to your questions! **************************************** - Where's Australian Poacher Dazza Longbarrel? Is he dead? - How about the last vestige of the DarkWar, Noisebot? Is her quest to perform vile technomancey on the hero she killed over? - Is the Nightmayor still in office? Come to Wrestlevania, it will be...pretty good. Post-show Announcements: Dan "The Man" Ziglar TRIUMPHANT IN World Partyweight Championship DEFENSE—Theodosia, DEFEATED BUT NOT DISGRACED, TURNS HER AXE TO Hellsport—The Primo Family OFFICIALLY PWR’S BEST FRIENDS—COURAGE, FEAR, FRIENDSHIP, BETRAYAL, WRESTLEVANIA! What a terrible night for a curse... and a spectacular night for PARTY VIOLENCE! 1400 members of the Multiverse, with furious eyes of light and clutching invisible orbs of might, stood shoulder-to-shoulder between the suffocating walls of CASTLE HELLSPORT! PWR can't condone murder, cheating, or all the other violations of Wrestling Law we saw in the ring—but there was also friendship, mercy, and self-sacrifice, like FLOWERS in a FIELD OF BONES. No castle, no matter how terrible, can hide away forever the dual faces of SPRING. This was Wrestleslam II: Wrestlevania! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ World Partyweight Championship MATCH: _Dan "The Man" Ziglar def. Theodosia_ Surrounded by banners screaming "Hellsport,” PWR’s extremely benevolent and not-at-all-malicious sponsor and friend, the bodies of the MULTIVERSE watched in audible tension our PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH. Current champion DAN “THE MAN” ZIGLAR stared into the burning gaze of his challenger: the ancient guardian, THEODOSIA! This recently unfrozen woman from colonial times weathered a barrage of verbal assaults. After going move-for-move with Dan, this powerful and mysterious woman delivered a series of leg holds while dodging Ziglar's VISIBLE HAND OF CAPITALISM. Though Dan had studied the tape of their alternate-timeline match in 2017, leading to an unfair knowledge of her maneuvers and counters, Theo COULD NOT be held down. Her leg work brought Dan to a knee, setting up a mighty CHURNING BLIZZARD kick to the side of his head. When the match momentum shifted in Theodosia’s favor, DAN allowed one of his VALETS to be struck by an elbow strike from THEO. The conscientious challenger sought to ensure the woman wasn't hurt, and the conniving Dan managed to get her in his choke-slam backbreaker. Three counts later, the bell rang and Dan rose alone, victorious. Though he and his HELLSPORT cadre attempted to further intimidate the beaten-but-not-broken Theodosia, she stood firm; rejecting a lucrative career opportunity with HELLSPORT with a POWERFUL FIST to the skull of Hellsport’s enigmatic “Jeff”! An enraged Theodosia cannot be contained—she tore Hellsport’s brand identity to shreds, ripping down its banners and swinging an axe deep into its corporate insignia. She has declared war—not just on Dan the Man – but on HELLSPORT, INC itself! Gulp! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _NEW! Best Friends Forever Tag Team Championship!: The Primo Family def. The Dumpster Babes_ PWR's newest belts, the BFF BELTS, made their debut! After months of torturing the PRIMO FAMILY, the DUMPSTER BABES finally faced them in a vicious match. Pastaman and Luigi Primo each learned to sacrifice their wishes and bodies for each other. The sadistic tendencies of Babyface and Pinkeye caused miscues between them - leaving them open to ITALIAN-STYLE RETRIBUTION. After “topping” the Babes with soap, deodorant, and cheese, the PRIMO FAMILY celebrated their hard-fought ascendancy to BFF championship (and the return of PASTAMAN's computer). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _Dazza Longbarrel def. Nigel Pendelton (TKO by death)_ The hunter became the hunted as DAZZA LONGBARREL faced NIGEL PENDLETON in a NO RULES JUST RIGHT match. With his former pet tiger, Booma, in a cage by a ringpost, DAZZA clashed against the bigger opponent with a series of traps and high-impact slams. Nigel gave a dominant showing as he broke Dazza's ankle and dealt him severe lacerations. But by regaining the trust of BOOMA, DAZZA was able to outwit THE MANHUNTER. A combination of poisoned tea and a top rope senton tiger-drop dispatchedNigel to the hunting grounds of VALHALLA. Dazza then tried to release Booma into the wild, but the beast jumped into his arms, reuniting to two in new and splendid friendship. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _Kippy, age 7.5, wins Hellsport's “MEET Chad Blitz” contest; transforms into KIPPY, AGE 13!_ We've seen a lot of heroes die or become corrupted here at PWR. CELEBRITY CHAD BLITZ (formerly Chet Blitz) attempted to force-feed a 7-year-old girl named KIPPY a can of HELLSPORT. While HELLSPORT is TECHNICALLY A LIQUID, not even Co-commissioner Jared could allow a child to drink it. A match was called to decide what would happen. Kippy was victorious, but despite the chants of the crowd to “just say no,” she succumbed to peer pressure and imbibed the glowing green Sportsdrink. Before our eyes, the mysterious powers of Hellsport turned the once-innocent KIPPY into a 13-YEAR OLD! In a fit of teen angst she pledged herself to the power of CHAD BLITZ and HELLSPORT* (which is...a...good drink...). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _Hot Dog survives his date in TRAIN COURT, def. Bull DeCroix_ Advocate of TRAIN LAW BULL DECROIX hosted a SHAM TRIAL inside of the ring, with a predetermined sentence of live flaying! The Railroad Cop—playing jury and executioner (but not judge)—dealt out TRAIN INJUSTICE to our Garbageweight Champion, HOT DOG, with a billy club and actual sections of railroad. Ultimately, HOT DOG's crust punk cadre would not stand for this BULLICE BRUTALITY and threw a rabid opossum into the ring. HOTDOG once more unleashed the mystical power of RABIES on DECROIX to successfully defend his title and win his freedom! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _DadBod def. Randy "The Eagle" Eagleman—but Eagleman TURNS THE TABLES!_ DADBOD challenged the Dadhood of Randy “the Eagle” Eagleman. After proving he was literally a father, and throwing into question “the Bod”s own paternal credentials, the birdmyn fully outwrestled him. But the Tsarist Warlord, Baron Zahkey, AGAIN spoiled a victory for Randy and pulled him from the top rope as the ref's back was turned—giving Dadbod just enough time to secure a sketchy win. As Zahkey and Dadbod attempted a post-match beatdown, the Eagle took flight and pancaked Dadbod through solid wood with a top rope AVIAN FLU! Baron Zahkey fled the entire scene, perhaps jonesing for a new dose of his SLAMEX-10 serum—but this feud cannot be over! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _ THE PARTY’S OVER FOR Teen Frankenstein! Noisebot PERFORMS AN AWFUL SURGERY_ After distracting the teenaged monster with an apology and loving embrace, the former SLAMBOT FROM THE FUTURE choke-bombed him and performed impromptu brain surgery. She removed hamburgers, CDs, and the living brain of CLONESTER from within the poor Frankenstein. The grueling abomination of Party Violence turned stomachs and broke hearts. Noisebot is a menace to both the living and the undead! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ AND SO MUCH MORE: • Chubby Uncle Juan and Puggin Head once again stole our hearts. Though Uncle Juan's quest to have a non-violent in-ring commercial segment continues, his little friend claimed a victory in an unscheduled match against Ice Cold Stan Boston. STAN BOSTON had been lost in the castle for 2 weeks, after stumbling into an eclipse on his way to FENWAY PARK. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ • Space and time collided in an explosion of hard-hitting action as The Intergalactic Express battled The Charlie Frown Gang. The Shchultz-ifying daemons did their best to divide and conquer the noble aliens. But the strength of Mr. Massive Goliath, agility of Space Lizard Super Wizard, and their powerful, alien friendship overcame the snot-storm of Sinus and AVERAGE might of Charlie Frown. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ • Hundo Supreme gave 100% against Bench Horse, the horse who bench presses. As Hundo’s nearly-lifeless body was heaved across the ring, a masked referee challenged the horse to a new match. Playing the role of competitor and official, Arbitro Obscuro gave BENCH HORSE his first real challenge. But in sick irony, Arbitro upheld justice and counted BENCH HORSE's victory three-count against himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ • The Sonic Gentleman read a disturbing piece of “Fan Fact” about a haunted video game. The segment turned violent when when a man in a two-tailed animal costume and Guy Fawkes mask appeared and confronted the Sonic One. After a heated and FAST match, the Sonic Gentleman sucker punched his former-best-friend and upheld his undefeated blue streak. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now, Castle Hellsport is resorbing back into the moon. 4th Tap Brewery begins to return to normal. Our bonds to Hellsport remain, and Dan "The Man" Ziglar's reign as our World Partyweight Champion continues. The extremely palatable and not-the-tears-of-some-elder-daemon HELLSPORT begins amassing its front line troops. Battle lines have been drawn in the multiverse. A war materializes from the fading ramparts of the castle. The stakes raise higher and higher, severed heads planted upon them. The coil of Mother Worm squeezes the earth's core, and the breath of spring exhales a roar - echoed in the invincible cries of the Multiverse. Thank you for sharing these moments with us. HAIL PARTY VIOLENCE! Category:Show